Recovery while grieving

Rita · Joined: 05 Oct 2007 Posts: 31 Location: UK

I think for me my new life began the moment Jeff left the house. No longer did I have to take his views into account, no longer his debt, his choices, his ways- but the Lords way and choices. Living with a non believer was soul destroying at times, I had to suppress so much of who I really was and what I believed and valued. The day our marriage ended I felt like I had been released from prison. It hurt like crazy and much pain followed, but there was a freedom I began to enjoy- it was a very strange set of emotions.
Then I embarked on my open university course, my first big decision. That gave me a wonderful focus on the future while I was grieving the past. I found I also began to feel at peace if I wanted to go somewhere which involved church- didn't feel as if I had to justify my actions. My children and I learnt to laugh and cry together- but we all had freedom to do both.
I heart broke as I divorced, the years of pain, the many affairs and betrayal but the Lord is repairing the damage. Recovery is now in sight and I feel I am on the home run.
Rita

cheryldruley · Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 5:57 pm Post subject:

Rita,

Oh boy, do I understand that strange mix of freedom and sadness!

When the final tie was severed, I felt the weight of it actually lift off me. It was immediate. I no longer felt as if he were hovering invisibly over my shoulder. I could finally live my life to please myself! WOW!

And then immediately, I felt guilty for having thought those things. Because I was still sad for the loss of the relationship.

But you know what? I don't think I ever realized just how much of a hardship it really was until I felt the weight of it lift off. It was almost like I was walking taller, like I had a bounce in my step. I was finally free.

_________________
Cheryl

Married twice, divorced twice, same guy.
No kids; two dogs who THINK they're kids.
Getting close to reaching my "new life" but not quite there yet.

Rita · Joined: 05 Oct 2007 Posts: 31 Location: UK

Hi Cheryl

I dont think I realised how hard it had been until I looked back. I guess when you are in the marriage you have to survive and protect yourself so , maybe, there is an eliment of denial.
I still found the divorce hard going- not becuase I didn't feel I had grounds but because I had made promises that I took seriously.
I know for a while I was worried that Jeff would ask to come back- I actually dreaded the Lord working in his life ( sounds awful but it was true at the time )
I felt guilty about how I was feeling as well.
Rita

AnnaRebecca · Joined: 28 Jan 2008 Posts: 14 Location: Texas

I, too, have been "scared" that he would come to the Lord, and then we'd have to work through these dreadful issues that came about in our marriage.

lol

Still, I prayed constantly that God would draw him to Himself, that He would save my husband, that He would help him to turn his life around. I wanted so badly to serve the Lord together with him.

Instead, even as my soon-to-be-X began to seek help for his alcoholism, I found myself more and more drawn away from him. I thought, "Wow, I should be clinging more strongly to him, rather than feeling this pull away!" and guilted myself constantly. But what ended up happening is that the more sober he got, the more things he said and did that showed me that though he is not drinking, he is not changing. Indeed, he is planning to get his own place, and yet still trying to make me "submit" (in a NOT godly way). There are more passages than these that I found while studying my Bible that gave me the freedom to walk away from him, the first being I Corinthians 7:15 wherein it speaks of the spouse who walks away; and then also in another passage (which I cannot locate right now) that speaks of adultery. I did not commit adultery willingly. I was forced into a situation by my husband that brought it about. In this, I believe that it was as good as HIM committing the adultery since he was the head of our house, and I was not willing, but forced.

This, too, will require healing and recovery. I know that this forum is not geared to that and will try not to harp on it too much, but simply discuss the other aspects of this dreadful divorce. Still and all, recovery is recovery, and when I am recovered I will see myself as the beautiful forgiven and lovely child of God that He sees when He looks at me.

_________________
"It's NOT all about me!"

cheryldruley · Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:12 am Post subject:

Rebecca,

You are blessed to have such an open, genuine, and transparent personality. It is so refreshing to see this in you. I am the same way, and get very frustrated with people who are what I call "game players" or who worry about every little thing they say. I've always been much more comfortable being open, honest and genuine in my approach with people. Haha... they don't know how to handle it! I'm so glad to see this in you also. It makes for a much simpler life, I will say that!

The adultury thing - that is between you and God. If you want to talk about it for your own healing, you are certainly welcome to. We don't hold much back around here. (But don't talk politics! lol) Do be aware though that this forum is only "semi secure" and if that bothers you, you may want to check out our yahoo group or the new SECURE network. Just up this week! If you want the addies, just let me know. But on the idea of whether or not you're guilty before God of an adultury you were forced to commit... do you think a victim is guilty of the rape forced upon her? As I said, this is a situation you will need to work out between you & God as to the exact circumstances and whether he holds you accountable or not. I can guarantee you this... if you need convicting of sin, he will do it! But if you are clean before the Lord, he will give you peace, too.

_________________
Cheryl

Married twice, divorced twice, same guy.
No kids; two dogs who THINK they're kids.
Getting close to reaching my "new life" but not quite there yet.