Denial

cheryldruley · Posted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 11:10 pm Post subject: Denial

Hello from the gal who married the same guy twice... and is divorced from the same guy twice... for the SAME REASONS both times. Sigh...

Denial is one of the nastiest phases in the grieving process, because it's one in which we lie to ourself without even knowing we're doing it. Since I'm pretty familiar with it by learning the hard way, I thought I'd share some insight. Perhaps if you see denial in action in someone else's story, it will help you to realize whether or not it is operating in your own life. If I can save ANYONE from making a decision based on denial, it will have been worth it.

Here's what I've learned: Our mind protects our heart at all costs. Let me explain what I mean. When we fall in love, our heart starts caring for the guy. At the same time, and at the same depth, our mind wants to protect our heart from the possibility of being hurt, so it begins forming a committment to the relationship our heart is creating. The more you love, the deeper the committment to stay in the relationship if it turns sour. That's why it's so hard to break off a relationship after divorce, even though it may be bad for us - because the committment is still active even if the caring has long since flown the coop.

What I believe happens in the grieving process is our mind still has the committment to the relationship in full swing. So in the first step of grieving, which is denial, it makes perfect sense that our minds will try to make us believe that things will work out. That he'll still come back. That he'll realize after I'm gone that he still wants me back. (Trust me, I've fallen for every one of these lies, hook line and sinker.)

Now I'm not here to tell you exactly what's going on in your experience. However, I simply caution this: Take your time. Grieving is a natural process, and to my knowledge, the only thing that can get you through it is T-I-M-E. So, if remarrying the guy is a good idea this week - it will still be a good idea in six months. But if it's NOT a good idea, then in six months it should be obvious that it's not a good idea.

Take it from one who's learned it the hard way - be SURE that it's not denial that's got you convinced. Take your time and be sure that you're completely out of your grieving phase before you ever consider marrying your X a second time. I'm guessing nine times out of ten, that it's just denial. And if it IS denial, then you can almost guarantee a second divorce with a second grieving phase, and a second financial setback, and all the other junk that goes along with it.

Hugs,
Cheryl

_________________
Cheryl

Married twice, divorced twice, same guy.
No kids; two dogs who THINK they're kids.
Getting close to reaching my "new life" but not quite there yet.

ncsearching · Joined: 24 Oct 2007 Posts: 15 Location: St Pete, FL

I might be a little late with this, but I'm writing anyway! Rolling Eyes

You are so right - Denial is a huge thing. In my case it's run most of my life married or divorced.
When married it was the alcohol I denied, the lies and the vulgar behaviors, the jokes in bad taste (now politically incorrect). But in that life it was partly a lifeline - the only way to get through. Denial with hope that things will change - Oh wait - that could be the meaning of denial - (Hmm maybe that just explained my problem with hope!!??)
Anyway - denial is what keeps us stuck for sure.
A thought crossed my mind, though as I was reading your post. In regards to the brain setting up the committment for protection part. I wonder if that's part of our programing as well, you know. I know for me the whole committment issue was/is a biggie. I can clearly remember telling my sister during one of her visits (she is/was single) that wasn't even a bad time in the marriage per se, that I made my bed and I had to sleep in it. The whole thing of working on and having hope that it will get better was what I based my whole life on - where did that come from? Is that denial or over-active committment training?

_________________
Nina Smile

46-Married 06/82 - Divorced 08/05 1 daughter 1 son

Krystle · Joined: 19 Feb 2008 Posts: 8

I was in denial for so many years with my husband.

Even though this man didn't show me any affection but, every four years. I put up with it.

Blamed it on maybe he just didn't know what he was doing.

God has brought me through so much since I left.

cheryldruley · Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:45 pm Post subject:

Nina,

I just realized I never responded to your post. I'm sorry for that. (So here I am, a little late, too!)

"I made my bed..." This kind of thinking is not denial, because it accepts that there's a problem. This kind of thinking is more like accepting a consequence from your actions. Commitment, maybe, but I'm not sure that really fits. The commitment thing I was referring to is when you commit to a relationship to protect your heart's investment. The bed phrase gives a connotation of "Well, I'm suffering justly, so I'll just lie here and wallow in it." haha

I think the purpose of hope is a motivator. If we hope something will get better, then we have a motivation to keep working on it. But when it's blind hope... hoping for something that everyone else in the world sees is impossible... THAT's denial.

_________________
Cheryl

Married twice, divorced twice, same guy.
No kids; two dogs who THINK they're kids.
Getting close to reaching my "new life" but not quite there yet.

cheryldruley · Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:48 pm Post subject:

Krystle,

I know when I was finally able to see the truth, I felt like an idiot. But I realized I shouldn't beat myself up too bad over it. It's only natural to want to believe the best if the worst is something you don't want to face.

Glad we're past all that!

_________________
Cheryl

Married twice, divorced twice, same guy.
No kids; two dogs who THINK they're kids.
Getting close to reaching my "new life" but not quite there yet.