From the Parchment and Pen Theological Blog

~ C Michael Patton ~
Eleven years ago I sat in a premarital counseling session with my soon to be wife Kristie. I don’t really remember much that was said except one comment made by my pastor. He said, “There is nothing in this world that you can wish upon a person that is worse than a bad marriage.” When I first heard this I thought that it was nothing more than an expedient overstatement that was relevant to the moment. I gave my pastor “grace” since I knew this was a counseling session on marriage and it was his job to make us understand the vital importance of the decision that we were making. Yet I did think to myself, “There are a lot of things that are worse than a bad marriage. What about cancer, the death of a loved one, or paralysis?” Today, I no longer believe that my pastor made an overstatement. There is nothing worse that you can wish upon a person than a bad marriage.

Let me give you a little background so that you can understand how my experience effects the way I think.

Seven years ago my sister Angie and I were at Dallas Theological Seminary together. We were very close at this time. Her husband of three years was not a believer. They had many problems, not the least of which was his ever increasing antagonism toward her relationship with the Lord. After some time of unmet expectations and extremely abusive behavior toward Angie, her husband wanted to get a divorce. Angie was very upset and sought my council. By this time, she was emotionally exhausted and had little energy left to fight for her marriage. But, like any good soon-to-be-pastor, I gave her the “right answer.” She was already well schooled in the belief that ”God hates divorce” and how it is “never the right thing.” I told her that she needed to fight for her marriage and to do anything and everything she could to save the relationship. I especially made it clear to her that she needed to consider the effects that a divorce would have on her new six month old son. She did not want to have the stigma of a divorce attached to her name, so she conceded to fight. I put out a prayer request at seminary. The entire school prayed that this divorce would not happen. I remember the exact words of one student in preaching class as he called upon God: “God, do not let this divorce happen.” It was as if a divorce was the absolute worst thing that could happen.

Sure enough, it seemed that God answered our prayers. Angie was able to persuade her husband to stay and give the marriage another chance. We praised God in class the next week. But over the next year things grew worse. Angie’s husband became increasingly abusive. She stayed strong, but her strength seemed to become her husband’s greatest enemy. He seemed to be jealous of it. The love grew colder than ever, even though Angie did all she could to concede to her husband’s apparent narcissistic desires. Finally, if I understand the situation correctly, his anger fueled dissatisfaction turned into a bitterness that sought revenge. Eventually, this revenge turned into a vendetta to completely destroy Angie. Divorce was not the only thing he sought this time. Now he wanted to take her completely away from her son, leave her without any support, and expose all her “problems,” smearing her reputation. Of course, he would say it was all in her best interest, but those who were close to the situation understood things differently. “Why is he doing this?” Angie would ask. “Why does he make up so many lies?” Her strength of character and her godly countenance were eventually overcome by persistence of another. After a year long fight with depression, Angie took her life in a hotel room with a gun.

“God, do not let this divorce happen.” That was the prayer that was answered. Yet if the divorce would have happened at that time, from a human standpoint, I believe that Angie would still be alive. If she would not have fought to preserve her reputation and would have ceased in her avoidance of the stigma of the scarlet “D,” her son would not be motherless today.

Let me share another experience. A couple of years earlier my younger sister Lindsey had wed her sweetheart. He was a fine and charming young man. Everyone liked him and was overcome by his seeming stability, mature demeanor, and love for the Lord. But it was not six months into the marriage that she began to discover that his life was full of lies, deceit, and manipulation. The problems started out somewhat small and innocent, but as the closets were opened, they distorted her knowledge of him beyond recognition. She came to find out that she did not know him at all. The “graduate degree” that he was working on was really community service for crimes committed prior to the marriage. The supposed good financial credit that he came into the marriage with was soon overwhelmed with a flood of collection agencies that were demanding payments for her husband’s ten of thousands of dollars of past debt. His “spirituality” turned into a fabricated ploy to get the family to approve. She finally sought to do something about this only to find out that the man that she married six months earlier was still married to another woman in Italy.

What was she to do? Didn’t she consummate the marriage before God? It is “ok” for a divorce in this situation? She ended up getting the marriage annulled, yet she still lives with the shame of the “failed marriage.”

When does divorce become the lesser of two evils? Ever? Is it always the worst of all options?

Having been a pastor now for the greater part of a decade, I have found that my certainty about such things is not as it once was. My council is much more tentative than before. You won’t hear me saying to those who are suffering in their marriage for these types of reasons that I know that the best thing—the godly thing—is for them to stay together.

What do you say to a woman who’s husband is mentally or physically abusive? What do you say while their children sit and watch and learn by his example?

What do you say to a person who’s spouse is a pathological liar? Is this safe? Who did they really marry? Is it worse to stay, taking a chance that the kids would follow in footsteps of deceit, or leave, taking a chance that the kids would follow in footsteps of divorce?

What do you say to a person who’s spouse is an addict? When does their behavior become so unpredictable, destructive, and dangerous that it has crossed a line? Is there a line?

What do you say to a person who’s spouse becomes uninterested in the marital relationship and seeks to find fulfillment elsewhere, yet does not want to legally leave the marriage?

What passages do you quote and with what degree of certainty do you quote them?

Is divorce ever good? No. Is it ever the lesser of two evils? I don’t know. . . . but I am starting to be persuaded that it can be. I do realize the subjectivity of this statement. “Greater good” arguments can always be abused and the types of situations that I am speaking of, while common, do not represent the majority of the reasons why people get divorces today.

In the end, I do believe that these types of marriages are representative of the “worst thing that anyone can wish upon another.” While I believe it is truly heroic for people to stay strong and suffer with godly endurance in bad abusive marriages, I don’t expect everyone to be that hero.

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http://www.reclaimingthemind.org/blog/about/c-michael-patton on 10 Nov 2007
Theology & Marraige and family

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_________________
Elaine

I copied a quote from the post because it hit the nail on the head in my situation. This has been my question for a while now. Here is the quote:

What do you say to a person who’s spouse becomes uninterested in the marital relationship and seeks to find fulfillment elsewhere, yet does not want to legally leave the marriage?

I even found out in counceling that he thought if necessary (He said he never had) he would go outside of our marriage to get his needs met so that he would not have to leave the marriage. I think that was the final straw for me to know that the divorce is right.

Let me get this straight...he committed adultery so that he would not have to get a divorce? Does that even make sense? I'm very sorry for your situation.

These quotes relate to my own situation:
"What do you say to a woman who’s husband is mentally or physically abusive? What do you say while their children sit and watch and learn by his example?"
"What do you say to a person who’s spouse is an addict? When does their behavior become so unpredictable, destructive, and dangerous that it has crossed a line? Is there a line?"

I thought I brought on the way he treated me. I felt I started it, since that's what he told me. My son watched with horror as those things were visited upon me.
As for addiction, the man will readily admit he is an alcoholic (he is currently getting help with that), but he will not admit his problem with gambling, sex addiction, and the fact that he is NOT saved, but only gives lip service.

The last thing I mention is apparently the root of all the other problems.
He will never be free of the others unless first he gives over his life, heart and soul, to God. I, however, have chosen to be free of him.

This hurts so much to admit. The fact that I choose to leave, rather than having HIM divorce ME...it seems even more failure heaped upon failure.

I am clinging to my Saviour, clinging to the Words He has spoken that say He heals, He protects, He gives only good, He loves, ...He loves unconditionally.

I was wrong to be with him in the first place; I was doubly wrong to marry him, and when those things hidden began to come to light, I had to make the very difficult decision to leave. I stayed even this long (2 years) because I knew I had signed up for whatever happened by my own rebellious nature. I knew better, somewhere deep down, and certainly I was not without my own "part" in the wickedness.
Having asked forgiveness, I choose to move forward, in Christ.

Rebecca

ps Today my son and I are packing. We will be moved by tomorrow.

I stayed in the marriage for 34 years because, of being bought up that you do not divorce. I went through many very bad episodes of depression. He was very conrolling and mentally abusive. My pastor said," the bible says to submit to your husband". That is what I did. I always felt guilty if I tried to be alittle independent and strong. Well, after year after year after year of him chipping away at my soul, my spirit had died. I finally dicided that my God does not want me to be depressed and miserarable for the rest of my life. I had to leave this. That kind of marriage is not what I would call a marriage and I just can't believe that God would condemn someone who needs to leave it.

Hi Sheila,

I also have a hard time believing that God holds us to contracts that others have broken. I believe that we can only ever do our part and trying to do our husband's part is like trying to grow plastic flowers - it isn't going to happen and what a waste of resources.

I wonder whether God is impressed by your efforts, your patience, your obedience, your forebearance, and your courage. I am.

I trust that God will deal with the men who break the contracts, we don't need to. My ex-husband is a Christian and the Holy Spirit will find him. God can grow those plastic flowers, it is in His power, not ours.

I hope all will be well with your soul. I hope you can feel my love.

BJ

Honestly, I still wonder from time to time ladies... I know that I serve a forgiving God, but that there are will still be consequences for my actions. Just the other day my pastor's words came back to mind. As my husband and I were in a premarital counseling session I recall him saying things like "selfishness can end a marriage." And "you want a man that knows the word backwards and forward--one that is able to bathe a woman in the word like Christ did His church." I would recall how God helped me do a 180 and how passionate I became even as a "baby Christian." My husband was raised in the church and had recently rededicated his life to Christ--could the same not happen to him? At the time I thought my pastor was speaking in general. As his words came back to mind I realize that he was warning me. The things that he spoke were exactly what I have experienced. I don't know if he found something out in my husband's separate session, or if it was the Holy Spirit speaking through him because I was too "head over heels" for the Holy Spirit to speak to me. He was a chaplain in the military though so he could not give direct instruction--I didn't realize this until later. I felt so angry at God because I didn't understand why our marriage fell apart from the start (or that it never had a chance to truly be established) when I was constantly praying putting the word into action. I finally see (after this separation) that my pastor's words were not the standard "general" counseling, but a warning just for me. I was a woman of God--passionate about Him when I met my husband. God did not let me walk into a bad marriage without warning. This weighs heavy on my heart...not that I would have a bad marriage, but that I would miss such an important warning/message that will probably affect the rest of my life. I can honestly say I didn't purposely disobey, but I just MISSED IT! I take responsibility for my decision. His plans are to prosper me because He wants the best for me and I chose something less than what He wanted to give me. Now I have to ask Him what it was on the inside of me (when I thought I was walking so close to Him) that would allow me to go the wrong way. My constant request now girls is that He restore me and help me not to miss the next warning. That I walk with Him forever and my desire becomes His desire.